When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress

Maté looks at the case study of Barbara Ellen, a 27-year-old woman who died of cancer. Maté discusses Barbara’s death with her mother, Betty Krawczyk; they explore the fact that Betty was unable to provide the attentive and nurturing parenting that the sensitive Barbara needed. Barbara’s precocious intelligence developed in lieu of emotional intelligence provided by her parents. Barbara avoided telling her mother about an abusive incident involving her cousin because she didn’t want to upset her mother. She was concerned with keeping the peace rather than with relying on her mother as a safe sounding board who could cope with hearing about Barbara’s distress.

Betty’s own difficult childhood in an unloving home caused her to seek connection and love from men; she had seven children with three different men, and they moved around a lot. Maté suggests that Betty could not see Barbara’s pain because she could not see her own unresolved pain around her parenting.

As an adult, Barbara continued to suppress her needs in favor of her mother’s, even struggling with the decision of ceasing IV fluid to end her life in order to protect her mother from pain. Barbara felt unsupported by her judgmental mother, which manifested in extreme anger as Barbara reached the end of her life.