In My Dreams I Hold A Knife

In My Dreams I Hold a Knife (2021) is a campus mystery/thriller by Ashley Winstead, a former academic with a PhD in American literature who has also published the psychological thriller The Last Housewife (2022). Most of the novel’s action takes place at the prestigious fictional Duquette University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, which resembles both Winstead’s alma mater, Vanderbilt University in Nashville and Duke University in Durham. The novel covers two timelines: a modern timeline at a 10-year college reunion at Duquette and a prior timeline when the main characters, known as the East House Seven, were students there. The plot of In My Dreams I Hold a Knife unfolds like a “whodunit” mystery and psychological thriller, as the narrator, ambitious and ego-driven Jessica Miller, probes her blocked memories to figure out if she murdered her college best friend, the seemingly perfect, rich, and spoiled Heather Shelby.

This guide uses the 2021 hardcover edition of the novel published by Sourcebooks Landmark.

Content Warning: The source material includes depictions of physical and sexual violence.

Plot Summary

Jessica Miller receives an invitation to her 10-year reunion at Duquette University. Her ambition for the last decade has revolved around this moment, as she strived to become the youngest female to earn partner at consulting giant Coldwell & Company. Jessica knows all eyes will be on her at the reunion. Before leaving for Duquette, she meets college friend Jack for drinks. Jack can’t attend because—though there was never enough evidence to convict him—most people at Duquette blame him for the murder of their friend Heather when they were students.

When Jessica arrives at the Winston-Salem campus, she feels triumphant. Jessica’s college best friend, Caro, finds her. Caro has been engaged to Brandon Cooper, nicknamed Coop, for the last year, though Jessica is still in love with him from their affair in college. One by one, her college friends, who called themselves the East House Seven after the dorm they lived in, show up to the party. Mark Minter (Mint) arrives with his wife Courtney, Jessica’s arch-rival. Mint was Jessica’s boyfriend throughout college and for a year after but left her for Courtney. Mint’s best friend and acolyte, Frankie, comes in next. He played football in college and now plays for the National Football League (NFL). When Jessica hears the voice of Coop behind her, she freezes, still in his power. The East House Seven has only five members present, and each is surprised to see Heather’s brother, Eric Shelby—a Duquette staff member—at the party.

In flashbacks to their freshman year of college, the novel describes how the friendships form and solidify as the characters build a parade float for Homecoming weekend. Jessica, astute in comparing herself with others, notices the beautiful Courtney and the uber-confident Heather across campus. Caro approaches Jessica first, befriending her, and through her, Jessica meets the rest of the group. The various personalities and roles within the group form quickly: Coop plays the bad boy with bright green eyes; wealthy Mint is Prince Charming; Caro acts the part of the innocent sweetheart; Frankie’s the dumb jock; Jack is an earnest do-gooder; Heather, though she isn’t the prettiest, leads the rest of them with the sheer force of her confidence. Jessica is an attractive but poor go-getter, willing to claw her way to the top to make her father happy. Soon after, Heather and Courtney get accepted into the elite Chi Omega sorority, while Jessica and Caro get into the second-best Kappa Gamma. Jessica struggles with feeling inferior to Heather and Courtney. Seeing her distraught, Coop invites her to his room and leaves to get her snacks. When Coop’s roommate Mint enters, he and Jessica talk and then kiss. Coop walks in on them, and the flirtation between Coop and Jessica seems to be at an end.

As the alumni friends stand around at the reunion party years later, Eric proposes they visit Heather’s memorial since she can’t be there in person. No one wants the party atmosphere dragged down by memories of Heather’s murder, but to be polite, they agree. It becomes clear that Eric plans for more than a brief toast at the memorial site. He gathers them together and tells them that he believes Jack is innocent and that one of them murdered Heather.

Each friend has something to hide about the night Heather died. Frankie reveals Heather found out he had been taking steroids and having Jack take the drug tests required by the athletic department. When Eric reveals there were drugs in Heather’s system, Coop—who dealt drugs in college—confesses that he has always been afraid his sources killed Heather as revenge when he threatened to stop selling. Courtney, upset that Heather won Phi Delt’s “Sweetheart” instead of her, put diet pills into her drink, hoping she’d pass out so Courtney could take the crown. Caro admits to secretly following Heather around campus and eavesdropping on her, learning about Heather’s ultimatum to Frankie to quit steroids. In response, Caro made a threat of her own, telling Heather she would humiliate her if she went to the administration about Frankie.

As they discuss the night, snapshots of memory come back to Jessica, who begins to believe she is the murderer. On the day of Heather’s death, Jessica discovered she didn’t receive a fellowship for which she applied . In fact, in order to get a recommendation letter from a famous economics professor on faculty, she slept with him, degrading herself and cheating on Mint. Heather won the fellowship instead. Jessica remembers downing whiskey, Adderall, and diet pills, then breaking into the Student Affairs office with the idea of somehow changing the decision. Later, waking up with her hands and dress covered in dried blood, she had no memory of cutting herself but knew she had done something terrible.

Jessica then confesses to her friends that she has been in love with Coop since college and cheated on Mint with him. Mint, whose mother publicly cheated on his father, calls Jessica a “whore.” It becomes clear that he knew she slept with her professor. As Mint fills with rage, he admits to murdering Heather in a blind passion, thinking she—passed out in Jessica’s bed—was Jessica. He sets fire to Blackwell Tower where they’ve congregated and attacks Jessica, stabbing her in the side. Eric comes through the fire and pushes Mint out the window. However, Jessica takes the blame for pushing him, claiming that because Mint stabbed her, it will be considered self-defense rather than murder. In the hospital, the friends, including the now-cleared Jack, swear never to tell the truth about Mint’s death. Caro breaks up with Coop, and he is now free to be with Jessica. Coop and Jessica ride off on a motorcycle into the Winston-Salem sunset. As they do, Jessica’s memories finally fall into place. On the night of the murder, she walked into her dorm room to find Heather dying on her bed. She chose not to help her.