Fire Shut Up in My Bones

When Blow is ten, his older brother Nathan goes off to college, leaving him alone in his room. Haunted by the emptiness, he seeks refuge with his Uncle Paul, listening to the stories of his youth. One night, after falling asleep in Paul’s room, he wakes to find his uncle’s hand moving slowly across his hips. He leaves the room without saying anything, but he cannot reconcile his kind uncle with the act of betrayal he has just committed. He convinces himself that the act was somehow unconscious, not intentional, a useful lie when sharing a small house with an abuser. To make matters worse, Blow’s family represses their emotions. Blow wants to feel loved and validated, but he rarely gets that kind of approval. In his household, feelings are “soft” things not suited to boys.

His ambiguous sexual identity becomes apparent to his mother and to the outside world. His mother worries, and strangers see him as prey, so he learns to deflect the leering stares with an angry defiance, resolving never to submit to sexual predation again without a fight. To support his resolve, he turns back to religion, agreeing to be baptized, but as the sacrificial rite approaches, with Blow standing chest-deep in a pool of icy water, he panics: “Was the old me really going to be washed away?” (119).