A Confession

“As I see it, in most cases it happens like this: people live as everyone lives, but they all live according to principles that not only have nothing to do with the teachings of faith but for the most part are contrary to them. The teachings of faith have no place in life and never come into play in the relations among people; they simply play no role in living life itself. The teachings of faith are left to some other realm, separated from life and independent of it. If one should encounter them, then it is only as some superficial phenomenon that has no connection with life.”

Tolstoy wastes no time in addressing his distaste for hypocrisy, a recurring theme in this narrative. For Tolstoy, it is inconceivable to hold principles that have nothing to do with everyday life or to routinely act against one’s beliefs. Tolstoy will encounter spiritual struggles throughout his life unlike many of his less rigorous fellow human beings. He is unable to let things go when he encounters important discrepancies between what appears to be true and what he believes about his existence. He is unable to rest until he discovers the truth.

“When I saw how the head was severed from the body and heard the thud of each part as it fell into the box, I understood, not with my intellect but with my whole being, that no theories of the rationality of existence or of progress could justify such an act; I realized that even if all the people in the world from the day of creation found this to be necessary according to whatever theory, I knew that it was not necessary and that it was wrong. Therefore, my judgments must be based on what is right and necessary and not on what people say and do; I must judge not according to progress but according to my own heart.”

This passage accomplishes two things: it provides context for Tolstoy’s deep suspicion about the beliefs and habits of his contemporaries, and it provides an early-life example of Tolstoy’s struggle with understanding the limits of reason. In this visceral experience, Tolstoy comes to understand morality based on an intuition that transcends rationality. The middle of A Confession can be read as a decades-long lapse in which he forgets this essential truth only to recover it toward the end of the narrative.